It has been a while since I last tasted the bitterness of treachery. Not mere deception but the pre-meditated act that completely blindsides you and sets your mind to reconsider memories in an entirely different way. It creates a massive overload and undermines all types of trust in a vicious and insidious way.
This type of calumny is rare though it can prey on anyone. The double bind emerging is that in order to protect myself from being duped again I have to maintain a false level of awareness that might in time lead to the borders of paranoia. Yet the energy to sustain that is considerable and this is not my usual level of being. Trust is a two way process, he who does not trust enough will never be trusted.
So I fail on both counts, restoring a level of trust in order to trust again and placing the experience in a safe perspective...
Only my compassion has enough momentum to fall off the horse and then to remount. The after taste will linger as I struggle between forgiving and forgetting. The outcomes are found in both verbs if you think about them for long enough. I mildly fool myself and my wretched ego once more, that I have achieved a higher ground. I equally remember the passion of that realisation moment when I cursed that blind fool's future while swearing to search out his master's repugnant being across all the multiverses while ever his evil heart still beats ... Survival is a complex process sometimes.
" Fie on't! ah, fie! 'tis an unweeded garden that grows to seed; things rank and gross in nature possess it merely." Hamlet